Miscarriages and Relationships featuring Asya Rojas
Miscarriages are hard. Plain and simple. They take a toll on you in more ways than one. It’s a physical and emotional loss that no one can prepare you for. But one thing that is not highlighted as much is how miscarriages alter relationships. When experiencing a loss at this magnitude, it’s bound to change your relationships with those around you. It’s hard to navigate and just as hard for those around you to understand, especially if they’ve never experienced it before.
According to March of Dimes (2020) “Miscarriage (also called early pregnancy loss) is when a baby dies in the womb (uterus) before 20 weeks of pregnancy. For women who know they’re pregnant, about 10 to 15 in 100 pregnancies (10 to 15 percent) end in miscarriage.” While this is something many women experience, it is not often discussed and carries a stigma. It leaves women feeling inadequate and carrying shame and guilt.
Keep reading to hear how Asya and I experienced changes in our relationships due to miscarriages, what we would've done differently, and advice we would give to others.
ASYA
During my miscarriage, I can definitely say that I did not communicate well. If I’m being totally honest, I didn’t really communicate at all. I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to be pitied. I’m always more concerned about whether other people are going through. Looking back, I should’ve been more open with my boyfriend and those closest to me. I should’ve checked in with them more often about how I was really instead of constantly telling them I was fine. I felt broken. I felt hollow, like my spirit had died with my baby. I didn’t know if I was ever going to be “okay” again. I still forced myself to smile every day though. Outside of my mental health, my relationship suffered the most after my miscarriage. I was angry with my boyfriend because his broken heart seemed to heal quickly. I felt like he was angry with me because I was always sad and never really wanted to do anything or go anywhere. We were at a standstill. There were so many silent days and nights because we just didn’t know what to say to each other. We didn’t know what each other needed because we had stopped communicating. Eventually those closest to me got frustrated and flat out told me that they knew I wasn’t okay and that’s when I started going to therapy again. My friend Ariel, who is more like a sister, had to give me some tough love and told me I couldn’t be sad forever. She told me that we needed to check in with each other every morning, even if it was just an emoji because she loved me and wanted to know where I was at mentally. Even though the miscarriage almost tore my relationship apart, it did bring me closer to some people I never thought I’d talk to again. If I had to be specific about what I would’ve done differently, I would have reached out to my friends and family more instead of trying to be in my head so much. I would've been vocal about how broken I really felt. I also would not have chosen my job over my mental health and chose a therapy schedule that was weekly instead of bi-weekly.
If I could pick two things to say to my partner they would be: I’m so sorry that I pushed you away and I’m sorry if I disregarded the fact that this was a loss for you too. You were able to hide your pain much better than I was, but I had no right to think that you weren’t hurting just as much. In regards to my close friends and family I would say, I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you enough during my grieving process to let you hold a space for my thoughts and feelings. I would also tell all of them (including my boyfriend) thank you for loving me enough to see that I wasn’t really okay. Sometimes we think we’re doing such a good job at wearing our masks, but in reality our pain is written all over our faces. It’s in our aura.
My advice to women and men in regards to grief and moving forward would be simple, your feelings are YOUR feelings and you need to go through them in order to grow through them. I’m going to be honest, a part of me is scared as hell to try getting pregnant again. I have so many questions that contribute to my fear. I found out almost every woman in my immediate family on my dad’s side had a miscarriage at some point. I had a spontaneous miscarriage. There wasn’t any rhyme or reason for my loss. Even though I’m scared, I’m slowly learning to silence that fear and replace it with hope. I’ve always wanted to be a mother and I know in my heart that I will be one day. That hope makes it easier to want to try. If you have a loved one who’s suffered from miscarriage, PLEASE be patient with them. Shower them with love and a listening ear if and when they want to talk. Check in with their partners as well to see if they are really as okay as they may be telling you that they are. Just be kind.
BRITTANY
Maintaining relationships can be a task. Whether we want to admit it or not, it’s true. It takes more than love, time, and money, for a relationship to survive storms. Not that I wasn’t aware, but this was made very clear to me after having my chemical pregnancy. The amount of stress and emotions I experienced changed me and some of my relationships forever. I communicated what I was going through to the best of my ability. Honestly, I think I was in so much in shock that I didn’t really know what I was feeling. The pain I felt was just unimaginable, I literally could not believe it was happening. To want something so bad and to lose it just as soon as you get it is a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I think there were only 4 people who knew I wasn’t fine (like in detail) my husband, my sister-in-law Kiki, and my friends Ashley and Shawana. I talked to them in rotation (lol) day and night about how I was truly feeling. Outside of them, I hadn’t really told anyone just a few more people. I’m not sure what did or did not affect their responses to me. However, I am aware that people cannot see outside of themselves and their own stressors at times. My perception was that people would know and understand how to “be there”, in hindsight, I see now that was an error on my part to make that assumption. I probably should’ve been more vocal about where I was mentally and emotionally, rather than moving like I was okay. It doesn’t change my feelings, but I have a more clear understanding now. I lost friendships and gained new ones from this. While this added to my grief, I also knew God used this as a wake up call and a way to either remove or deepen connections that I already had..
To my close family and friends, thank you for showing up despite dealing with your own issues. I know that can be hard and it’s forever appreciated. I especially appreciated you guys when me and Brandon weren’t on the same page lol. If I could do anything differently, I probably would have told less people than what I told. It did nothing for me and would’ve saved me a lot of disappointment and frustration. I would’ve mentioned it later so it would’ve eliminated the expectation of people showing up and being there. I also would’ve started therapy sooner and been more consistent with going.
Out of all the relationships, my marriage took the hardest hit. We argued so much and we were not on the same page. I felt like we were living in two different worlds. My husband saw the bright side of it, “we got pregnant.” He was absolutely right, but for me that wasn’t enough. I hated that he wasn’t angry like I was. I hated that he was taking it so well when there were days that I didn’t want to get out of the bed. I felt alone. Isolated. I felt like this happened to only me. The harder I tried to get him to understand, the harder we fought. We both were miserable and exhausted. But I think we both learned a lot about each other during this time. We’ve been through a lot together, but this definitely was the hardest thing to bounce back from. With many prayers and therapy, we were able to come to a common ground and better understanding of each other. Looking back, if I could say two things to my husband it would be: I understand you have your own emotions and I’m sorry for trying to push my emotions on to you. I also commend you for trying to navigate the situation the best that you could because miscarriages don’t come with a handbook.
Moving forward can be rough. I know personally, I felt stuck afterwards. My marriage and other relationships were suffering and life was still happening. I felt like I woke up one day and my whole life completely changed over night. My advice on moving forward is that it’s possible. It may not feel like it in the moment, but you can get past the pain. Your feelings are valid and don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise. I know trying again is scary, hell I’m scared, but there’s a chance it may result in a different outcome. Also, don’t feel like you’re a quitter if you decide to seek an alternative such as surrogacy or adoption. Do what’s best for you and your family. This was something I really had to learn to accept. I know that I will be an amazing mother, regardless of how I get to that point, I know it’s a part of my journey. If someone you love experiences a miscarriage, just be there. Don’t be generic or passive in interactions. Be specific about what you say/ask. For example, rather than saying “hope you’re good” or “praying for you”; Instead, send a text asking “how are you feeling” or try to get them out of the house by going to dinner or the movies, just being present is appreciated. Help them get their mind off of what is going on. Also, keep in mind that the conversation of God and prayer can be a sore spot if the person is spiritual as they may be in the phase of questioning God or being frustrated about what has happened. While it may take a while, your presence and conversation will always be appreciated. You will make the person feel seen.
When we talked to discuss this blog, we both realized that no one prepared us for miscarriages or anything fertility related. Not in the sense of telling us what to do, but these conversations never happened. No one told us the possibility of miscarriage, the struggle of getting pregnant, etc. Knowing your family health history is important. If you are close enough with women in your immediate family, try to find out if anyone has had a miscarriage. If they have, see if they know what type of miscarriages they experienced and talk to your doctor to see if there is anything you need to look for as far as signs or if there are any extra precautions you need to take. Most women don’t know until after their miscarriage that 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage. Asya’s doctor told her that almost 75% of her patients have went on to have a healthy baby after a miscarriage.
Here are a few more statistics:
“As many as 50 to 75 percent of pregnancies end before getting a positive result on a pregnancy test.
By Age:
Under 35 years old: 15 percent chance of pregnancy loss
Between 35–45 years old: Between 20 and 35 percent chance of pregnancy loss
Over 45 years old: About a 50 percent chance of pregnancy loss”
- (Medical News Today, 2020).
“Most miscarriages happen in the first trimester before the 12th week of pregnancy.
Miscarriage in the second trimester (between 13 and 19 weeks) happens in 1 to 5 in 100 (1 to 5 percent) pregnancies” (March of Dimes, 2020).
Have any of your relationships been effected by a miscarriage? How did it work out?
Sending love and light to all those who have suffered loss and grief through miscarrying.