Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds

How y’all doing in this lockdown?!

Man this has been quite a journey. I can’t speak for anyone else but my reflecting has been on another level during this time. Not to mention, this will drop on National Infertility Awareness Week (the irony, cause this wasn’t planned). I’ve thinking, reflecting, analyzing, etc… literally EVERYTHING!

I’m coming up on a year anniversary of the hardest summer/fall of my life. I’m just in awe of how fast time has gone by and what has changed in a year. I’m STILL working through things from last year. Ya’ll ever grieved a person that’s alive, an unborn baby, and a close family friend who was like my uncle all at the same time?! Oh and let me throw in a few other broken ties and your marriage going through a rough patch. Would not recommend! I experienced grief on another level in 2019. All of this made me think of something that has crossed my mind multiple times and I’ve even experienced myself: time doesn’t fix everything. I felt like this was a good time to get this out because I know many of you are deep in thought right now due to the world kinda being on a pause.

Think about something from your past that you haven’t quite gotten over, that triggers negative emotions inside you. I know you have at least one scenario in mind, which is not unusual for most of us. The unfortunate thing is… most of us are told the opposite, especially as children. We’re told “time heals”, “you’ll eventually get over it”, “it won’t matter in the future”…. while for some things that may be the case but ultimately, it’s not true.

We experience traumatic events, certain broken relationships change us, we don’t always bounce back immediately from tough times. Blame our brains for the way it holds on to memories and experiences. There are a few situations that still cause my heart to hurt. They may not have the same effect as they did initially, but I’d be lying if I said I’ve completely resolved my feelings about it.

So not sure if you all saw The Clark Sisters biopic that Lifetime dropped… but baaayyybeee Lifetime did that!! Shoutout to Mary J. Blige, Queen Latifah, and Missy Elliot on the production and Donald Lawrence on the music! I mean it was truly everything that a biopic was supposed to be. But there was a major elephant in the room, there’s one sister who is no longer in the picture, Denise Clark. I thought to myself after watching the movie, “I bet they never thought that relationship would stay broken after all this time.” I could be totally wrong, but I see many people who let situations drag on and on and on. Hell, I’ve done it myself. I’ve definitely thought things would blow over and they didn’t or that I’d be able to let certain things go but I couldn’t. I think that’s an eye opener all of us have experienced. Like time literally got away from us…

Then before you know it…. a year, 5 years, 10 years has gone by and nothing has been resolved. It’s a stalemate. As humans, we become stubborn, we think the other person will make the first move, we don’t hold ourselves accountable for our part, we don’t want to give in to the other person, etc. This leads to a wound that grows and festers because nothing has been addressed. We’re holding in all this stuff we should’ve said, regretting what we did/didn’t say, wishing we could change our approach, etc. So we tell ourselves “I’ll get over this” or we put it in the back of our mind, hoping it won’t bother us. But the opposite happens and honestly, sometimes, time does more damage.

Now we carry this baggage into other friendships, relationships, or we have multiple broken family relationships from years of zero communication and not addressing the root issue. Whether you want to believe it or not, it follows you. You carry it whether you want to or not. Time doesn’t fix anything untouched. Think of it as a box in your closet or garage, packed with stuff. The box may become covered in dust, eventually hidden by whatever else you add to your closet or garage. But guess what… it’s very much still there and still taking up space despite you not seeing it.

Even dealing with fertility issues and a miscarriage… do I feel as broken as before? No. Am I completely over everything I’ve experienced because time has gone by? NO! Time has given me a different perspective, but it doesn’t change my pain, fear, or frustration.

This is another reason why I push therapy or even being intentional about working through things that have caused you a great deal of pain. No matter what we tell ourselves, those issues don’t disappear into thin air. They have to be acknowledged and worked through. There are situations I’ve experienced with family members and friends that required multiple therapy sessions and that’s okay. Time itself won’t bring you peace or forgiveness, you gotta make those things happen within. That’s how a lot people get stuck and stagnant, waiting on time.

Time doesn’t fix it all. I know some things don’t hurt or matter as much over time. But still, it’s on you to make that progress. It depends on you working through the pain or situation. Don’t get me wrong, I get that some situations between people don’t require re-connection or why reconciliation may not be best. But be honest with yourself enough to know the difference. Also make sure you’re accountable for your role. Putting sole blame on the other person or not acknowledging their feelings does not make you any less responsible for your part. Being accountable doesn’t make the other person right. At least acknowledge that not doing or saying anything isn’t a fix all. Remember silence can speak volumes and can be just as hurtful as words.

I encourage you all to work out those painful memories, situations, etc. Seek professional help, if needed. Some things we can’t work out on our own. Like I’ve stated before you may never get that apology, you can’t get lost time and money back, you can’t get that innocence back… But you can gain a new sense of peace and self!

What situation or painful event do you need to work on letting go?