A Baby is not Always the Goal in Infertility

Hi guys!! I have shared bits and pieces of my fertility story throughout my blogging journey and on my Instagram. But there’s something I want to get off my chest…

Having a baby is not always the goal for someone who struggles with infertility. This can be for numerous reasons… some women/couples just decide to not continue on the journey as it can be rough, some women focus on getting healthier/changing their diet, some couples decide to adopt, and some decide to embrace their life without children.

Regardless of their reason, it’s not okay to push hope onto women because you think that’s what they want to hear. This leads to my reason for writing this blog…

When it comes to my journey, my husband and I were actively trying to conceive for about 3 years. We took the last year off after experiencing a chemical pregnancy. While we continuously receive unsolicited advice and inquiries all the time, the outcome of a baby hasn’t been in my heart.

While that may be surprising, it has been a game changer for me internally. Unless you’ve lived it, most people don’t understand the roller coaster of infertility. So the reason I say a baby hasn’t been my goal is because the goal for me was to get my life back.

After the chemical pregnancy, my marriage, other relationships, and me as a person… were all broken or suffering in some sense. I didn’t want that to continue, I hated what my reality was. As badly as I wanted to become a mom and experience pregnancy, I wanted my life back more. I needed some sense of normalcy. I wanted my husband and I to not be at odds or constantly living in two different worlds. I didn’t want to wake up with a dark cloud over my head. I didn’t want to feel controlled by doctors appointments or medications. I didn’t want to lose any more people based on not being able to handle my own reality.

My goal became peace in all areas of my life. My goal became healing. My goal became embracing my journey for what it is and what it will be. Because at the end of the day, these are the things I need to be my best self. There was no need for me to continue to obsess over what I couldn’t control versus what I can control. I had to get back to me.

While many people focus on miscarriages as the major losses, there are major losses in fertility treatments not working too. There’s major losses in communication and intimacy in marriages due to fertility. There’s major changes/losses in family and friend relationships due to infertility. It’s easy to lose yourself in the process too. It’s like constantly being in a state a grief. I didn’t want to be on that ride anymore. It wasn’t worth the misery for me. Goals change in all areas of our life and fertility is no different. Don’t be ashamed to choose yourself. I have no regrets on where I am current day. The peace I’ve achieved over the past year has been worth it. The many therapy sessions, tears, and prayers to heal have all helped me to move forward.

While this is not the end of my story, I felt the need to tell this part of my story to hopefully encourage somebody else. Your process and journey won’t look like someone else’s and that’s okay. Do you what you need to be your best self. Whether it’s focusing on your faith, therapy, increasing self care, finding hobbies, etc., it’s your life and you deserve all the peace and happiness that it has to offer. Sometimes your goal should be you!