Being the Casualty of a Self Sabotager
Hello there my wonderful readers!
I’ve previously written about signs that you may be sabotaging your relationships… but what about when you’re on the other side? It can be such a horrible place to be. For me, it was like being in a never ending maze. It seemed as though once I figured out how to make them comfortable or knew what worked for our connection, it didn’t the next time something happened. I also constantly felt like somehow I was wrong for things that I shouldn’t have blame for.
I could only exist in their world the way they wanted me to.
I think those of us who are fixers seem to find those who sabotage relationships or like to push people away. The rough part is when you finally realize how exhausting it is or things have gone too far.
Being connected to someone who self sabotages is complicated as they are not usually “bad people”. Furthermore, we love them for various reason and they can have great qualities outside of that. But for one reason or another, we got the worst of them. How does the saying go: “you usually hurt those closest to you.” The thing about self sabotaging is… it has no limits. So even though it may not be the reason to sever a connection, the persons actions towards you or in general can definitely lead to destructive behavior that alters the connection.
They don’t always directly push you away either. But you may notice underlying issues that continuously plague your relationship. These could be things like: crossing boundaries, not letting go of past issues between the two of you, constantly complaining about issues but at the same time doesn’t want any feedback, rejecting you unexpectedly and unintentionally, or simply shading you at random moments without directly stating they’re hurt or have an issue with you. It’s kinda like taking a test that you have the answer key for, but you still fail.
I’ve been on both sides. When I’ve been the sabotager, it was during times that I was sinking in my own depression and dealing with high levels of stress. I didn’t like the person in the mirror and everybody could feel it. Sadly when people habitually do this, some are looking to say “told you so” while fulfilling some deep rooted issue of “everyone leaves me” or “people are incapable of sticking around”. Some don’t feel like they deserve love and some are incapable of maintaining/recognizing healthy relationships. It’s usually nothing personal. Sabotagers can view people through a lens of mistrust and fear of abandonment, which can cause them to make something out of nothing. Leaving those around them confused, frustrated, and lost on how to deal with them.
You may notice these other signs when you’re the casualty of a self sabotager: being pushed to see how much you can take, they constantly play victim/won’t take accountability, feeling like your efforts are constantly being tested or evaluated, feeling like your paying for the mistakes of others, and being counted out regardless of what you do. It can be an exhausting game of cat and mouse. Regardless of your approach, either it seems you’re not doing enough or your efforts are received as doing too much and your help is not needed. It’s honestly very confusing. Did I also mention they usually have you sucked into their drama too? Sometimes you’re not even sure how you got involved but you are. In other cases, you may become a target during times of stress (displacement). Regardless of what it is, it’s a hard seat to be in. You don’t want to give up on the person, but one can only take so much.
If you recognize that this is the issue:
Having a conversation is great in almost any scenario. While it may not fix the issue, you can at least get it off your chest. Let the person know how you feel and how their actions also effect your connection. Give clear examples. Use I- statements and don’t have the conversation while you’re upset or when your emotions are high.
If you end up going separate ways after communication your issues, do not blame yourself. As stated above, the person may be dealing with trauma that you nor anyone can fix but them. Don’t tie yourself to something that large. They may be unable to accept or receive what you’re saying and that’s okay. While it hurts on both sides, they may need to do healing that doesn’t involve you.
Complacency in pain and drama is real. Sometimes people don’t want or need our help… the other side is that they like the life they live. So to us it may be chaotic, toxic, even dangerous…. We have to accept that the person is complacent with being there. No need to drown because they’re sinking. Truly assess whether the person has had any growth or progress.
God sometimes has to give us a harder push to cut ties. Human are notorious for not knowing to how to let go of people, no matter how bad they hurt us. But best believe… God always comes through with something so major, it forces us to sever the connection.
Over the past year, I’ve watched so many around me struggle with this very issue. They feel as though they’ve done everything they can to help or assist someone, only to be left with more drama, displaced anger, or were only left with the option of cutting ties. I have also seen the person affected experience so much guilt and wondering what they’ve could’ve done differently. Be careful to not get caught up in this cycle.
As similarly stated above, we sometimes have to let people be in whatever they are experiencing without our input or help. Will we be distant or estranged from them forever ? That is always a possibility, but if you’ve done your part, there’s nothing else to do but let time do it’s thing. Don’t ruminate or submerge yourself in something that has nothing to do with you. Usually when people push you and others away, it’s way deeper than the current situation.
I will leave you all with this… think about if you feel the constant need to rescue others or prove that life can be better. This may be the time to reflect on the role you play in people’s lives in general.
Have you ever dealt with a self sabotager? How did it effect your relationship?