The Misery of a Missed Miscarriage
When I originally wrote this blog, I detailed every moment of my experience. But I think something more simple, but impactful is better for this. November 2022 was the epitome of my life changing in the blink of an eye.
In October, I found out I was pregnant. The shooock, the overwhelming joy!!! No matter how many tests I took and even after getting my blood work done, I was still in awe! I couldn’t believe it finally happened for us. What we had been working so hard for… the past eight years; it was finally here!! With any pregnancy there can be challenges. I had a few but nothing alarming or considered abnormal. November arrived and the tiredness started. The exhaustion was unreal, I would wake up feeling like I hadn’t got any sleep. But I knew that was a part of First trimester symptoms.
Despite being sleepy and uncomfortable all the time, I was still so happy. It made our anniversary even more special. There was a bliss between us and within us, that I don’t think either of us have ever experienced. We were finally becoming a family. I slept most of our anniversary trip smh, but we enjoyed it nonetheless. Here’s where I had the wind knocked out of me..
The following week after the anniversary, I went in for an ultrasound. I heard the words that absolutely shattered my heart. The doctor finally breaks the awkward silence that filled the room and says “Brittany, I’m not liking what I’m saying…I’m not seeing a heartbeat, and the baby isn’t measuring where it should be.“ I remember feeling like time has stopped. I felt like everything was happening in slow motion. Even as I’m writing this, I can visualize the moment I found out my baby didn’t have a heartbeat because it literally felt like time froze. Between leaving the appointment and getting home is pretty much a blur. To date, that was probably the worst day of my life. My heart was broken, I don’t know the last time I’ve seen my husband that upset, I don’t know the last time that my husband and I both were just inconsolable, And I cannot process the fact that I was carrying a baby that was no longer alive.
We experienced a missed miscarriage. If you’re unfamiliar with this, here’s some info on a Missed Miscarriage from WhattoExpect.com: “A missed miscarriage or silent miscarriage occurs when a fetus or embryo has died but no bleeding or loss of fetal tissue has yet taken place. Like other types of miscarriages, missed miscarriages occur unexpectedly before 20 weeks of pregnancy. Missed miscarriages are usually discovered at routine prenatal appointments when no signs of fetal cardiac activity can be found, but a woman hasn't experienced any of the typical miscarriage symptoms. While an estimated 20 percent or more pregnancies end in miscarriage, missed miscarriages are relatively uncommon. Specific numbers are hard to come by, but one study estimates that missed miscarriages affect less than 3 percent of pregnancies.” Because my body did not recognize the miscarriage, this added more time to this painful process and it continued into December.
I am doing better, my husband is doing better, but this is one of those things that sticks with you. Obviously, my fertility struggles makes this worse, but there’s a certain devastation that comes with having to carry a baby that is not living. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. We want to try again and are praying for a full term pregnancy with a safe labor and delivery. As my doctor said “it takes the heart far longer to heal than the body.” She ain’t never lied. My crying is less frequent and I am starting to have more good days than bad. But I’d be lying to you if I said that this is something I will be over in the next three months. This has been one of the most jarring and traumatic experiences that I have ever gone through. Let me just say this, infertility itself is a horrible experience. Not just because you struggle to get pregnant, the things you have to do, and put your body and wallet through to do something that is supposed to do naturally, impacts you in a way that can’t be explained.
I normally end blogs with advice, but i’m still very early in my grief. I will say therapy has helped me to process this reproductive trauma. I let myself feel all the feels and I cry when I need to. My boundaries are stronger than ever. I’m not afraid to ask for help when needed and I feel like the clouds are finally not so heavy!