It's Your Time to be Selfish
Hey y’all…. two blogs back to back?!! Whaaattt, I’m just as shocked as y’all LOL
But no fareal, let’s get into it. So my therapist has been very instrumental in my grief and healing journey. For anyone, who has dealt with grieving on a personal level, you know the real work starts once the initial shock is over and everyone goes back to their normal routine. You’re suddenly thrust into a world of trying to find a new normal. In dealing with my miscarriage, I’ve noticed how my anxiety has significantly increased. I’ve been triggered by things that I hadn’t been affected by in years or ever for that matter.
My therapist reminded me that I had experienced a reproductive trauma and I needed to treat myself as such. That meant giving myself grace, being gentle with myself and all the emotions I was feeling. It also meant not taking on any additional stress or dealing with mess that didn’t pertain to me. Now I’ve been pretty good with this for the past two years, but my therapist reminded me that I had to be realistic about what I could and could not handle/deal with. She told me “this is your time to be selfish. If you don’t want to do something or go somewhere, don’t force yourself to be uncomfortable.” As I sat there and nodded my head, it really didn’t sink in until our session ended. I really have to take care of myself in all aspects and nothing or no one was worth additional stress. So whether it was boundaries, saying “no”, not dealing with people’s foolery, or not taking on more than I could handle, it needed to be done.
Now for a while, the word “selfish” had a negative connation in my mind. When I think of selfishness, I thought of people using/hurting others for personal gain, absent/inconsistent parents, people who look out for themselves, etc. Plus, just the way I was raised, being selfish isn’t something that comes naturally to me. Ironically, Merriam-Webster’s first definition of selfish is: “concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself.”
I had to marinate on that one. Some of you may still feel iffy on the whole being selfish thing. But let me tell you, for my wellbeing, I have no choice but to be “exclusively concerned with me.” I cannot pour from an empty cup, I can’t heal if I don’t acknowledge the severity of my pain, I can’t move forward if I don’t take time to figure out what that looks like for me.
So for all my empaths, givers, etc., you know who you are… it’s time to think and worry about yourself. It doesn’t mean you don’t care for others or you can’t show up for them, but you don’t win awards for neglecting yourself. Here are some things I’ve done to make sure I’m putting my needs first:
I literally took my therapist’s advice about not forcing myself to go places. At first, this may be limited to gender reveals and baby showers… but now it goes for all events. If I’m having a rough day or I need time to myself, I’m not leaving the house. I don’t have the desire to be at every function. It also doesn’t make sense for me to go somewhere and not be fully present because my mind is running a marathon.
Tell people “no” and maintain distance and boundaries where needed. If you know a certain person is going to trigger you due to ignorance, their own personal drama, or their lack self-awareness of how they impact others; Enforce boundaries! Why knowingly put yourself in a situation to deal with them? This usually results in you having to reset yourself because they can’t read the room or even have the decency to recognize you don’t have the capacity to deal with certain topics/conversations.
Do not overwork yourself. A coworker and I recently had a conversation about how if we fell ill, the main concern would be that our cases be covered. Stop stressing yourself out when your job would be posted in 24-48 hours after you pass away. Yes, make sure your doing your part but also recognize when you’re being overworked and not valued.
Ask for help when needed. People can’t support or help when they don’t know what’s going on. We spend too much time trying to be strong and doing things on our own. If you have a solid support system, utilize them.
Last but certainly not least, self care! I booked a couples massage for my husband and I last month and we both needed it so bad! Do things for your mental and physical well-being. Yes, retail therapy can be good but what’s the point in buying a bunch of clothes and products if you’re still going to be stressed in every day life? What I’m saying is… invest in self care that will reap some real benefits.
Your version of “selfish” and may look different than mine. I just want whoever is reading this to know that sometimes it needs to be all about you, especially when going through stressful times. There’s no reason why what you do for others outweighs what you do for yourself.